I’ve got a question, everybody. I didn’t want to take us off topic in class, so I figured I’d ask it here on the blog. After finding out that Dr. King cheated on his wife, I realized that there is an abundance of philandering historical figures. Einstein, FDR, MLK, JFK, Bill Clinton, Prince Charles, and, God himself, Morgan Freeman all cheated on their wives. Coupling this information with the stories I’m sure most of us have from our own lives, I began to wonder: is fidelity an unrealistic expectation? Is it unnecessary? Why do we hold it as a virtue of paramount importance in relationships when it’s been broken so many times?
What do y’all think?
-Emma
This is gonna sound really bad, but I'm just gonna say it. I think that most uber-successful figures, like those mentioned above, are that way because they feel the rules don't necessarily apply to them. They are able to look at a problem, see how everyone else would handle it, then do it a better way. They get the feeling that they are above the rules, which makes them, in a sense, great. I just think that that mentality transfers over to their private lives.
ReplyDeleteFidelity is something that many people, famous or not, have struggled with throughout history. It seems quite simple to me to not cheat on my spouse, but then again I have never had that opportunity. However, considering the way men in popular culture treat women outside of marriage, infidelity doesn't surprise me that much. There are a few people in our culture, however, that do show traits of fidelity (Drew Brees, ... umm that's about all I can think of!)and they are considered role models because of this.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that fidelity is a realistic and necessary expectation. The reason why people were angry with Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton is because people do hold this expectation and believe that the person did something wrong. Even though infidelity is fairly common, people hold celebrities at a higher level because they are often role models of society and children's images of who they want to be when they grow up. This is why Superman and Spiderman never cheated.
Answering why people hold this virtue in paramount importance, I have come to understand marriage as a lasting covenant between two people to become "one flesh". Obviously not everyone believes that, but I think everyone can agree that marriage is the most definitive promise in society, and husbands and wives are obliged to stay together and honor that promise.
I agree with Kirby; a lot of power or fame can make men very cocky (pun intended?). When someone reaches a certain level of importance as a celebrity, politician, public speaker, etc, he/she needs to realize that his/her actions are being closely watched and will have consequences. I guess the stress gets to them sometimes.
ReplyDeleteInfidelity also has a great deal to do with how close one feels to their partner. If a guy really loves his girlfriend, he won't cheat on her no matter how much booze he's drinking (or whatever the case is). It's human (and animal) nature for males to try to find many female partners. Polygamy is practiced in certain groups; it is not unheard of. When men are in positions of power, they realize that they can have sex with lots of women and just go crazy. Of course, powerful people aren't the only ones who are unfaithful; people cheat ALL THE TIME. When Bill Clinton was caught cheating, it was a big deal though, because that he was a major public image.
We can all get mad at people that do unfaithful things, but keep in mind that it may be harder for some people to remain faithful. Take sex addiction for example; it's a real condition, it DOES exist. Does this make all sex addicts assholes because they can't help but cheat on their partners? The easy answer that most people will give is "Yes", because it isn't acceptable in our society to practice infidelity. Blah blah blah, who cares if MLK cheated on his wife, and it's only fair to judge his actions if we knew the whole situation, because we don't know anything for sure (about him beating the other woman, that is). MLK didn't preach about staying faithful to his wife, he preached about obtaining racial equality.
Honestly, I think that people have become lazy about moral discipline. Just like swimming in a pool 100 times is really difficult if we've never swam before, faithfulness to a significant other can be difficult if we've always done whatever we want with whomever we want. Is it necessary? No, but is anything necessary in that sense? Is treating our elders with respect necessary? Is learning about the world necessary? No, because there is no objective stated. If you ask whether it is necessary to respect our elders in order to maintain a relationship, then yes. It depends on the goals of the person. Ultimately, I think each person wants to gain the highest quality of life; that seems to be a universal goal. I also think that many people confuse a high quality of life with getting what they want.
ReplyDeletePeople just don't know how to be happy anymore. I think our society has become expert at being able to rationalize our way into anything we have a desire for. It's the easy, painless, immediately gratifying route from which we don't have the balls to stray.
There's something beautifully natural about an old couple who have been married for 70+ years and have maintained complete fidelity. That's the thing we're all missing: Nature. It's natural for a mother and father to stay together, because they have kids together and the kids need the support of both the mother and the father. When everything falls into place in the natural order, a higher quality of life ensues.
I hope to be the happiest man in the world one day.Though I'm very far from it, I know the gist of what I have to accomplish. All those adages about "Early to bed and early to rise" or " A penny saved is a penny earned" mirror the values which through mankind's ancestry have proved to be the disciplines which make a happy life. Fidelity is one of them. Learning to place one's sexual desires into a specific context of binding two people into a life-long relationship always makes the relationship so much more pure and happy! That's just the way it is. Now I know people will argue that I don't know what makes them happy and they've been very happy with having sex, yadda yadda. I'm saying that you can't know the kind of happiness fidelity can bring until you discipline yourself and experience it firsthand. Personally, I've only experienced glimpses of this type of fidelity in my parents and in some of my role models, and I really have yet to make it my own discipline. But I want the happiness they have, and I think writing this blog has made me want to attempt it. It is NOT an unrealistic expectation becuase I've seen it with my own eyes, and they LIKE IT! And if you don't believe me, then come back to me in twenty years when I'm ridiculously happy and ask me how I did it.
So, sorry ladies. No sex from John. And sorry to the guys, I suppose.
When one willingly enters into a social contract (such as a relationship), one is obligated to follow that contract as long as both parties wish to remain in it. Usually problems arise when a couple
ReplyDelete(A) fails to clearly define the contract (such as what level of outside interaction is acceptable) [MISUNDERSTANDING]
(B) one person wants something contradictory to the contract (such as sex with a third party) more than they want to remain within the contract, but fails to terminate the contract prior to pursuing what they want [CHEATING]
(C) remaining or entering into a contract one does not want to be in [DISCONTENT]
C is self destructive and usually destructive to the other involved parties.
A is destructive, but solvable through communication.
B is destructive and in my opinion, repugnant in a society when creation of social contracts is consensual and termination of social contracts is safe and easy (such as ours).
I am not philosophically opposed to the societal acceptance of non reproductive sex outside of relationships. American society allows people of all genders and orientation blanket freedom to have pursue sex. It is in no way limited to those in relationships. Also, American society allows one to leave (or abstain from entering) relationships at any time. These social contracts are completely free, so there is NO morally justifiable reason to be in one, then violate its terms.
So basically, if you don't have to be monogynous unless you want to be, you shouldn't lie about it to the people your having sex with.
Nice answer Charlotte. Yet are marriages really analogous to the social contract? are cities even? Furthermore, are things this simple. Aren't you glossing over various other desires that often cause one to lie. Can't we both want to be in a loving relatinship where are partener thinks we are dutiful, amazing, devoted etc. while at the same time wish for the secret affair as well. Aren't we sometimes torn?
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, I don't think fidelity is unrealistic. Based on the small sampling of the relationships myself, my closest friends and my family have had, I've only been aware of one of sexual infidelity (which did eventually lead to the termination of a marriage). Everyone else (all my close friends, my cousins, my parents, my grandparents) has to the best of y knowledge remained faithful in their relationships and have not been cheated on.
ReplyDeleteThe counter I would expect to this statement is "there probably was cheating that you just didn't know about." I'd respond to this, with acceptance that don't know for sure and that some of the people I think have not cheated may have at some point or another. But I think most of them haven't and there are a few relationships I would make tremendous bets on.
That's not to say that my sample is in any representative of the population. I'm sure there is a great deal of skewed-ness self selection going on. But it is a sufficient counterexample for me to believe that fidelity is a possibility and can even be a realistic expectation in the right scenario (Which I would argue is a scenario in which neither party wants to cheat. I'd take a strong desire to cheat as a sign that one should not be in ones current relationship).
Sorry for the rambling and errors; I was figuring out this issue as I typed it.
ReplyDeleteRE: Dr. Layne
ReplyDeleteI would absolutely agree that one can be torn by the desire to keep one's partner and to have an affair. I think doing it secretly breaks the trust between oneself and ones partner though, and that it is unfair and amoral to break your end of the deal without letting the other person know. If two people are truly in a mutually exclusive relationship, the torn partner is obligated to decide wether they would rather have the affair or the relationship. It is NOT OK to sneak around trying to have both while ones partner remains faithful. If one really wants to risk losing what they have in order to have both, it needs to be done openly with or without the partner's consent. That is why open relationships and divorces exist.
Part of being human and having free will is that we are responsible for the decisions we make. We must frequently weigh our desires. Although I might want the benefits of stealing something, or hitting someone, I refrain from doing so because it is in conflict with my overarching values (not infringing on the rights of others) and I do not truly will it. Wanting to steal does not make it OK, just as wanting to cheat doesn't excuse it.